Steve Cronin Comedy

This is happening

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Ohio really did go for President Obama last night, and he really did win. And he really was born in Hawaii. And he really is, legitimately, President of the United State - again.

And the Bureau of Labor Statistics did not make up a fake unemployment rate last month. And the Congressional Research Center really can find no evidence that cutting taxes on rich people grows the economy.

And the polls were not skewed to oversample democrats. And Nate Silver was not making up fake poll numbers about the election to try to make conservatives feel bad; Nate Silver was doing MATH.

And climate change is real. And rape really does cause pregnancy, sometimes. And evolution is a thing. And Benghazi was an attack on us, it was not a scandal BY us.

And nobody’s taking away anyone’s guns. And taxes have not gone up. And the deficit is dropping, actually. And Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction.

And the moon landing? Was real. And FEMA is not building concentration camps. And UN election observers are not taking over Texas. And moderate reforms on the regulations on the financial industries and the insurance industries in this country are not the same as communism.

Listen. Last night was a good night for liberals and for democrats, for very obvious reasons. But it was also possibly a good night for this country as a whole.

…But if the conservative movement and the conservative media and the republican party is stuck in a vacuum-sealed, door-locked, spin cycle of telling what makes them feel good, and denying the actual lived truth of the world, we are all deprived, as a nation, of the very debate between competing, feasible ideas about real problems.

Last night the republicans got shellacked, and they had NO idea it was coming. And we saw them in real time - in real, humiliating time - not believe it even as it was happening to them. And unless they want to secede, they will need to pop the fictional bubble they have been so happily living inside, if they do not want to get shellacked again.

Rachel Maddow [x] (via seriouslyamerica)  (via fun-directions)

This.

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Oh God please come to my home state and marry me.

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Just the tightest.

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Yes to this - for politics EVERYWHERE.

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comedycentral:

Call in & chat with Fred Armisen or Jason Sudeikis from @nbcsnl at Night of #2manystars If you talk to @questlove he’ll tweet at you!

And that other guy will do nothing. 

comedycentral:

Call in & chat with Fred Armisen or Jason Sudeikis from @nbcsnl at Night of #2manystars If you talk to @questlove he’ll tweet at you!

And that other guy will do nothing. 

509 notes

“There are no secrets. We’ll win Ohio,” said Romney’s top strategist Stuart Stevens.

And what if they don’t win Ohio?

“It’s a silly question … we’re going to win Ohio,” he said. “This is like conscientious objection: if you’re going over the cliff and you have to throw your mother, or your sister, or your father out, which one would you? We’ll win Ohio.”

(via Boston Globe)

Stevens, no need to elaborate!  We’ve ALL played the classic parlor game where we envision our family driving off a cliff and pushing one of them out will save the rest of you somehow.  No need to explain it with all those words!  We got it at “conscientious objection”, which everyone knows is the shorthand term for that riddle, and not a completely unrelated concept. 


Bonus points for characterizing your own campaign as a car driving off a cliff.     

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My unabashedly biased review of Week 6

If you like stats and rational sports analyses, this is not for you. But in Week 6 nothing happened like it was supposed to happen. But BY FAR the craziest thing to happen this week was on Sunday night, when Cris Collinsworth called the NFL breast cancer awareness campaign a “tribute to the ladies.” Of course I know what he meant, but it’s a pretty hard and fast rule that if anyone over forty uses the term “ladies” it’s creepy no matter what. He made it sound like a happy hour. Anyway, to the games… 

Tennessee over Pittsburgh - Well, at least the good people of Pittsburgh have the Pirates the Penguins pierogies. The Steelers are joining the Packers in the league of Teams That We All Sort Of Assume Are Good But They’re Not Good (I know the Packers just beat the Texans, relax, keep reading). The Steelers are now sitting at 2-3 without any impressive wins. They beat the Jets (woo-hoo) and the Eagles, and neither of those teams are competent. So what’s going on? Maybe the Steelers just can’t put it together this year, or maybe it’s their terrible run game. Besides a Week 9 trip to the Giants and playing the Ravens twice, the Steelers have a pretty easy schedule, so they should be able to turn this around. They just need to do it soon. 

Baltimore over Dallas - John Harbaugh should send Tony Romo a fruit basket. The Cowboys could not stop getting penalties and just could not get out of their own way (which is going to be the story of their season). The Ravens played a typical Ravens game; the offense gets a lead, the other team runs all over them, and the defense holds on by their fingernails. The crazy thing about this game was that the Cowboys, despite their best efforts, were IN THIS GAME until the very end! How scary is that if you’re a Ravens fan? The other team is playing Pop Warner football, but your offense can’t put one more touchdown on the board to put the game to bed. Last week, I was blasted on Facebook for saying that the Ravens could go to the Superbowl, but now it seems like my internet haters (you know who you are) are right. The Ravens really can’t match up with good teams unless they crank up the offense and stop the run. 

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My unabashedly biased review of Week 5

If you like stats and rational sports analyses, this is not for you. But Week 5 in the NFL was like week 5 of a relationship… the cuteness starts to fade, and you start to see who this person really is… 

St. Louis over Arizona - Well well WELL, Cardinals. It seems Goliath just caught a rock right off his mighty forehead. Apologies to the literally dozens of Cardinals fans out there, but it looks like the Red Robins aren’t going undefeated. And they are really not going undefeated if their quarterback gets sacked nine times. Yeesh. There were more Rams in the backfield than in the California desert biomes (tons of rams there, FYI). The Cards need to get their offense going, because after a Week 6 game at home against the Bills, their schedule gets scary. Weeks 7 through 11 will bring the Vikings, the 9-ers, the Packers, a bye, and the Falcons. Yikes. A tough schedule coming up for the Rams too, so each of these teams could be right near .500 by Week 11. And the Cards probably will be. 

Indy over Green Bay - Okay Packers, we get it, you stink. I used to feel bad for the Packers, because they had a tough schedule and some weird losses. Fool me once, shame on you, but lose to the Colts and be stuck at 2-3 with the Texans next week, shame on me. So… are the Packers not going to the playoffs? The Bears are 4-1 and look kinda bad, but the Vikings are 4-1 and look ridiculously good. If the Packers don’t collect themselves, the highlight of their season will be those HI-larious, not-at-all annoying discount double check commercials. As far as the Colts, what a great win. The Colts still aren’t going to the playoffs, but that doesn’t even matter for this team. Every play for the rest of their season should just be called, “Tango Outlaw DON’T HIT ANDREW LUCK.” 

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My unabashedly biased review of Week 4

If you like stats and rational sports analyses, then this is not for you. But Week 4 was a welcome relief from replacement refs. I know I missed Week 3, so I apologize to my hoards of adoring fans. 

Baltimore over Cleveland - Man, I just can’t trust the Ravens. Sometimes they look like the best gosh darn team in the AFC, and sometimes they look like the team that narrowly escapes the Browns. I still think this murder (you know, a group of Ravens… and also the thing that Ray Lewis actually did) will be #1 or #2 in the AFC. They’re too good. The defense is fantastic, Ray Rice looks great, and Torrey Smith is making more grabs than Gerry Sandusky. The key for this team is Flacco. You’re welcome for that piece of NFL insight, that the quarterback is the key to a team’s success. But at the end of the Philly game, Flacco looked terrified, and they lost. If Flacco can wear the big boy pants, especially late in the season when their schedule gets scary, the Ravens can beat anybody.

New England over Buffalo - Hey! Patriots! Nice to see you again. I missed you. And wha’dja bring me? A running game! Thanks! The Patriots looked true to form on Sunday against the Bills, I type as I’m Inception-ing the first half from my brain. But in the second half, wow! Passes to Gronk, to Welker; lil’ Danny Woodhead scores, and the Riddler and Brandon Bolden run for over 100 yards a piece. I love this little running duo Josh McDaniels has going. If the Pats can keep up this kind of offense, and Spikes and Wilfork can keep being concussion machines, then I still believe in 13-3. Or maybe 12-4. Whatever. Stranger things have happened in New England. 

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