1. If you blame, attack, criticize, or demean the audience or the venue, neither one will want to see you again. (Exception: if someone heckles you, go after them if you want. But if you start the trouble, go ahead and erase that place from your Google maps, because you won’t be going there again.) 

2. The quality of any show, at any time, is determined by you. If you decide it’s a crappy show, it’s gonna be a long set. 

3. Small audiences do not mean bad audiences.

4. If a joke or a bit doesn’t go the way you want it to, acknowledge that to the audience. They’re feeling the same things that you’re feeling. They didn’t pay to see Pacino in Merchant of Venice, they paid to see you say things about you. 

5. Enjoy your stage time. You don’t ever, ever, have to perform. You get to perform. (Note: This is hard sometimes.) 

6. If someone tells you to tell them a joke, ask them if they would work for free. 

7. No topic is off limits if it’s a good joke. With some topics, your jokes have to be really, really, really good. 

8. If you’re saying, “Oh, I’ve got to do more stand-up,” you probably have no intention whatsoever of doing that. 

9. Be mentally prepared to wait around a long time before going on stage.

10. Be on time. If you are running late, let someone know. Call the venue if you have to. 

11. Set your default mood to “nice.” Thank the host and the manager/booker. They’re giving you things that they don’t have to give you. 

12. Comedy is a cruel mistress. But if you respect it, it will, eventually, show you respect. If you disrespect it, it will throw all your clothes and belongings out the window. In the rain. 

13. If you’re making preachy lists about stuff, make damn sure you also write and get on stage that very same day.